Why Not In the Living Years?

The human species is a peculiar breed. From all that I have observed in my little corner of the world, and in my own life and times, earthlings typically assign extraordinary value to attending wakes and funerals, but not especially high value in visiting, and spending quality time with the dearly departed during the all-important living years.

So many of us drop what we are doing, and sometimes travel great distances, to pay our respects to the grieving families of old friends and relatives, many of whom we haven’t seen in a dog’s age, or even longer than that. And quite often it’s a real friend from the past reposing in that pine box, or a close relation from days gone by. We can't, therefore, miss these celebrations of lives lived—these fond farewells—for anything in the world.

But, may I humbly pose this question: Where the heck have you been in the last ten, twenty, and thirty years? Come hell or high water, you can make it to a wake or funeral service, but you just couldn't find the time, or generate sufficient desire, to call upon the genuine article over the last quarter of a century.

Okay, by all means, check out those easels scattered about the hallowed rooms of the funeral parlors—complex lifetimes reduced to cheery photo storyboards thrown together in a couple of days at best. Then kneel before the formaldehyde-filled Madame Tussauds wax figures of those you remembered as flesh and blood. That’s all well and good.

Really, though, you could have visited these stiffs a time or two in the not-too-distant past. Yes, I know you must attend these wakes or funeral services, lest you get on somebody’s shit list. We are a wacky bunch with wacky priorities. But if there is a moral to this story, it’s this: If you know someone whom you would absolutely attend his or her funeral, maybe now’s the time to organize a get-together, or at least place a phone call. Stay in touch when it actually counts for something. The Last Picture Show can wait.

East Side Story

While traversing the lower east side of Manhattan on this sunny but very windy first day of the Labor Day weekend, I was foremost struck by its general seediness—stretches of grunge and malodor commingling in an unsightly mishmash. It’s no doubt a few notches more habitable than it was in its storied past. For this area that I now trod hosted European immigrants en masse in the late nineteenth and early twentieth century. Millions of people lived in vastly overcrowded, filthy, and ramshackle tenement houses—hardscrabble first experiences for countless people in the land of opportunity.

Fortunately, I was in New York City, where discoveries and unexpected gems lurk around so many corners in so many neighborhoods. One encounter in particular added a little color to the mostly gray surroundings that I walked—a candy store called Economy Candy on Rivingston Street. While I didn’t purchase anything, I nonetheless traveled through time to the halcyon days of my youth—of bubble gum cigars and Sugar Daddies. In fact, many candy brands were here that I’d long since forgotten about, or thought had been consigned to the dustbin of history, including Bit-O-Honey, Turkish Taffy, C Howard’s Scented Gum, Candy Buttons, Charleston Chews, Charms, Chuckles, Double Bubble Gum, Gold Mine bubble gum sacks, Mallo Cups, Marshmallow Cones, Mary Janes, Milk Duds, Necco wafers, Nik-L-Nips, Pixie Stix, Pop Rocks, and Razzles.

If I were to place any of the aforementioned confectioneries in my mouth today, God knows what would would happen. I suspect these enchanting ghosts from my past would do a real number on me. All the chewing and sucking in my adult mouth would yank the fillings out of my teeth, break a few of them along the way, and give me a major sour stomach, too. I just can't abide heavy concentrations of processed sugar anymore.

One footnote concerning the Economy Candy stroll down memory lane: Bubble gum cigarettes and chocolate cigarettes are available there. Remember them. We put these faux weeds in our innocent mouths, blew, and white puffs of powdered sugar spewed out, simulating the genuine article: cigarette smoke. I thought political correctness had done away with these candies for all time. Hope Mayor Mike Bloomberg doesn't find out about this.

A God Awful Question

The precise causes of the dinosaur population’s extinction have long been a subject of scientific conjecture. A consensus opinion has held that a humongous asteroid crashed into Earth’s terra firma multiple millions of years ago and did quite a number on these gruesome creatures and their sources of sustenance. However, a recent study intimates that it may very well have been more than one big bang that cast asunder these celebrated masters of the prehistoric planet.

I will admit to never having been a fan of dinosaurs. Maybe that’s because I knew they weren’t warm and fuzzy like Dino, Fred and Wilma Flintstone’s faithful household pet. Even as a boy attending Catholic grammar school and weekly Sunday Mass, the dinosaur years didn’t quite jibe with my religious tutelage. I recall wanting to ask God, or at least a church elder, a very pertinent and, yes, perplexing question: Why dinosaurs? It seemed to me a rather circuitous and convoluted creation route. In fact, with the exception of some flighty sorts, apparently we have absolutely nothing in common with Stegosaurus and Tyrannosaurus.

Dinosaurs literally roamed the earth for millions upon millions of years, evolving along the way. Did God Almighty conclude: "These creations of mine really suck. It's time for me to go back to the drawing board and get it right. So, I'll riddle Earth with meteorites and start anew." I don't know. Maybe Frank Sheed was on to something in explaining dinosaur's protracted existence. He wrote, “God knew that the discovery of such fantastical creatures would fascinate and delight us, and perhaps this was reason for their creation.” True, without dinosaurs, there would be no Barney. It's all one big mystery.

Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind

According to a recent e-mail I received, the planet Mars—the fourth rock from the sun—was supposed to be so close to Earth yesterday evening that it would appear as big as the moon in the night sky. This would have been quite something to behold, a fellow planet as colossal to our naked eyes as Earth's faithful hanger-on, the moon. The missive further elaborated that Mars's orbit would not bring it this close to our prying eyes—here on the third rock from the sun—until 2287. In other words: We could ill afford to miss this dramatic and uber-rare celestial moment.

While getting such an intimate peep at a fellow terrestrial planet would be a stargazer's orgasm unlike any other, a moon-sized Mars in the night sky would really portend only one thing: We are doomed! And don't bother heading for the wine cellar or bomb shelter. The sun must be in the process of imploding billions of years earlier than scientists had anticipated, and our solar system no longer so systematic. Forget about hiding under the bed, completing that bucket list, and employing the seven steps of forgiveness for those who trespassed against you. In fact: If the red planet, as Mars is known because of its distinguishing iron-rich hue, is this close to planet Earth—cast your fate to the solar wind and be done with it.

Happily, this Mars does the moon scenario was just another compelling Internet hoax that wormed its way through the virtual ether. And, as with all good hoaxes, many gullible sorts bought hook, line, and sinker this celestial fib of epic proportions. Of course, it would be nice to see the Man in the Moon share center stage with Mars among the cosmic players of the night, but not if it means our species is toast.

Grade A Pizza

For the first time in my life, I sampled a slice of pizza from a Grade A pizza parlor. Oh, I’ve had thousands of slices through the decades from this very shop, but today’s takeout came with the big city’s imprimatur. I had been reading of late that New York City’s Department of Health would be adding letter grades—A, B, or C—to their restaurant inspections. And by law, proprietors would have to prominently post their ratings. I can attest that restaurant report cards are now a reality in these parts.

But there’s something about this bureaucratic codicil that doesn’t quite pass the smell test. Essentially, it’s handing an additional cudgel to restaurant inspectors—men and women who make the rounds and assign points for health infractions that run the gamut from the trivial to the serious. However, the difference between an A grade and a B grade could be inconsequential where food safety and cleanliness are concerned, but very consequential in business gained or business lost. Ditto the difference between a B grade and a C grade. Restaurant inspectors have tremendous leeway and make some rather arbitrary decisions along the way. In other words: the city that never sleeps, led by its billionaire au pair, has just made the life of small businesspersons in the culinary trade more problematic.

The little guys are the ones who suffer most from the increasingly hefty fines levied with ever greater regularity against them. And the little guys will be the ones who suffer most from B and C grades. Even if we the hungry consumer are blissfully unaware how the Bs and Cs came to be, the psychological effect alone will drive business away, especially when there are A competitors nearby.

In theory, the letter grading is not such a bad idea. It places legitimate pressure on lax restaurateurs to remain lean, mean, and clean. But where pencil-pushing bureaucrats are concerned—whose mission is not only the health and wellness of the citizenry, but to collect fines to fill the city’s insatiable coffers—I remain justifiably skeptical. And I'd eat at my favorite pizza place regardless of its report card.

A New York Minute

Yesterday afternoon by chance, I found myself in a small piece of real estate that the city mothers and fathers have graciously designated a peaceful stopover for the public at large. Located on the corner of East 46th Street and Dag Hammarskjold Plaza near the United Nations, the place featured a little water fountain at its center, lots of colorful impatiens, healthy green shrubbery all around, as well as scattered benches for passersby to rest their weary bones and, in my case, and increasingly weighty prosthetic, which after several miles of walking felt like a ball and chain.

Earlier in the day, I had met an old friend and we had zigzagged around for a few hours, beginning our odyssey in lower Manhattan and ending up contentedly exhausted in this benign urban setting. There were no sorry souls sleeping it off here, a rare and welcome bonus in big city parkland. And soon after plopping ourselves down at the water fountain’s edge, we observed a very well-dressed elderly man shuffling his way into this sleepy alcove. As soon as he sat down, my friend said: “That guy looks familiar. He’s an old character actor. I’m sure of it.”

“He looks a little bit like William Windom,” I replied, but knew he wasn’t our man. We inconspicuously attempted to get a better gander at the gussied up geezer, but he nonetheless sensed our four eyes checking him out. Visibly showing his disapproval, he glared our way.

At that exact moment, a much younger fellow entered the stage. He was there expressly to meet and greet this possible old character actor—it was no chance meeting. But when he bowed down and kissed the man’s hand, the old character actor theory went up in a puff of smoke, unless, of course, this former thespian found another and decidedly different line of work. The attentive toady gently grabbed hold of the mystery man's arm and out the pair went, but not before one final and very piercing glower came our way.

I want those two taught a lesson. Is this what this aged Mafia don was whispering to his underling as he gingerly shuffled away across Second Avenue to God knows where? Or maybe it’s just that my friend and I have watched too much television and movies through the years. From Bill Windom to Don Corleone in a New York minute.

Down These Mean Streets

Stepping out into the mean streets of New York can be dangerous business. And I’m not speaking of getting mugged or becoming another crime statistic, which, while possible, is a long shot in a pretty safe town lorded over by the admirable men and women in blue. No, the danger I speak of lurks in the seemingly benign shadows, where unpleasant and unpredictable urban scenes await unsuspecting eyes.

Today, it was my unsuspecting eyes. While simultaneously running a few errands and accumulating invaluable walking time, I set my sights on Ewen Park, a rather steep grassy knoll that separates tony Riverdale from Kingsbridge, its less pedigreed neighbor. Approaching the traffic light directly across from the park, I came upon an elderly woman loudly berating a younger woman on a bicycle, who was planning to cross the same thoroughfare as me. “You don’t belong here!” she screamed, meaning on the sidewalk, I gathered, because the bicyclist responded, “I’m very careful.”

But this oldster was far from done in speaking her piece. Getting increasingly more apoplectic as the seconds passed, she eventually screeched, “I hope you get hit by a bus!” This rather vicious sentiment prompted the bicyclist to remove the baseball cap she was wearing, revealing a bald head and the telltale signs of cancer treatments. “I have cancer,” she offered, essentially imploring this ranting and raving old woman to put a lid on it and be on her unmerry way. But this plea for sympathy and a little understanding fell on deaf ears—both literally and figuratively, I think.

This ugly encounter turned downright surreal with the next toxic volley: "You can go to hell with your stupid bald head." As the bicyclist began crossing the street when the light turned green, the fusillade of vitriol continued, even as growing distance separated the two. “I hope you get raped in the park,” the old coot bellowed in her last shout, prompting the bicyclist to give her a flailing smorgasbord of well-earned one-finger salutes.

Having bore witness to this sideshow, the air was completely sucked out of my morning constitutional. I tried to imagine how this woman afflicted with cancer must have felt like in the wake of this bizarre encounter with a senior citizen, with a woman who wished her brutalized, and even dead, for the egregious transgression of riding her bicycle on the sidewalk.

I think the most unpleasant component of this city street snapshot was the individual’s state of mind. She just didn’t quite appear to be mentally unhinged, which could have at least explained her rabid performance. She seemed to be, first and foremost, a very mean person turned several notches meaner by the sands of time. But I don't really know. As for who really should get hit by a bus…well, nobody, of course.

Doorway Manner

During the second week of August in 2006, a doctor gave me some pretty bad news. In fact, a case could rather easily be made that it was the worse news I'd ever received before or since. It was at this critical moment in my life that I experienced one doctor's unique brand of bedside manner.

Actually, I think doorway manner would be a more apt description. This particular sawbones informed me that the gutted and gored portion of my right leg would have to go. It was not healing and could not be saved as the medical consensus had initially hoped. Standing at the doorway to my room and surrounded by his team of medical interns, he rather nonchalantly told me that I was slated to go under the knife the following morning. “Okay,” I recall saying, neither shocked at what I had just learned nor frightened at what tomorrow would bring. And it wasn't because I was particularly courageous or anything like that. It had just been such an incredibly grueling and painful week filled with probing, poking, and getting shuffled around that I suspect I needed some kind of closure—a next leg on a journey, as it were.

This week in hell included a close call with the Grim Reaper due to massive blood loss, followed by two debriding operations to try to salvage the gruesome carcass that was now the lower part of my right leg. And, too, the pain was both unrelenting and intense, and intenser still every time the leg's dressing was changed, which it was several times a day. From where I sat propped up in my hospital bed, it was inevitable that a fourth time under the knife would occur, even though I was told similar wreckages had been salvaged and lived to walk again.

So, I received the news of act four from a distance with no one-on-one commiseration with a medical mind. There were also a couple of visitors in my room at the time, too—my sister and brother-in-law. It could have been the milkman and his wife who just popped in for a visit. Old Doc was completely oblivious to whose ears would simultaneously hear, along with yours truly, the news of my imminent amputation. Strange behavior exhibited in both the doorway and hospital bed several yards away, I'd say. But then I can attest from experience that hospitals are strange places to call home. A lot of strange goings-on come to pass there—things you couldn't possibly imagine during healthy times.

Where Is Everybody?

The pilot episode of Rod Serling's classic Twilight Zone series is titled “Where Is Everybody?” It stars actor Earl Holliman as an astronaut who, unbeknownst to him, is undergoing a mind game—a stress test of sorts to measure a human being's psychological tipping point. In his induced hallucination, Holliman emerges in what appears to be a quaint small town—a busy little hamlet going about its business. The only thing missing are its inhabitants. He walks into a diner and spies a percolating coffee pot and sizzling bacon on the grill; a church bell is ringing in the distance. He calls out “hello...hello...hello,” but nobody answers him—nobody's around. After an extended and futile search for a living soul or two, he finally flips his raspberry and cries out in a state of panic, "Where is everybody?"

It's kind of the way I feel on hot summer days and nights. "Where is everybody?” I ask myself time and again. For in my Bronx youth, summertime equaled activity and lots of it. The dog days meant stoop sitting, game playing, and constant commingling with friends and neighbors.

We played games morning, noon, and night. We always managed to find something to do as kids, and it was often based on who was out and about at any given moment. Greater numbers of us inspired more epic games like Round-up, Ringolevio, and Johnny Ride-a-Pony. The incredible, multipurpose spaldeen, as it was affectionately known, busily bounced in the heat of summer and supplied us endless hours of entertainment with games like Punchball, Boxball, Ace-King-Queen, and Spud. Without a ball, or any prop at all, we played Mother, May I?, Red Light-Green Light and In-the-Refrigerator. Even after dark, the game playing continued with what we, very cleverly, dubbed Flashlight—an offshoot of tag based on a beam of light, not touch of the hand. Flashlight commenced a little after sunset with the ritual "the odd number is It." The unlucky "It" was handed the flashlight, while the rest of us dispersed, plotted our strategies, and found hiding spots in the neighborhood's backyards, alleyways, and alcoves.

The summer scene was alive and well thirty and forty years ago, with both young and old sitting out on their front stoops. Neighbors kibitzed and gossiped every single evening. Even in the awful nighttime humidity teeming with lightning bugs, the locals were undeterred. They were a tougher breed indeed, preferring the great outdoors to basking in the cool of air-conditioning.

There are plenty of adults and kids in the old neighborhood now. There aren't very many vacant apartments around. So, where is everybody? Apparently, social networking instead of socializing is today's rule—in all seasons. Neighborliness has by and large vanished along with the iconic spaldeen, although Spalding, I see, is still manufacturing them. Today's spaldeen is the iPhone, I suppose, and stoops just aren't meant for sitting on anymore.

(Photo from the personal collection of Nicholas Nigro)

Collectibles Must Pay Their Dues

Resurrecting the happy childhood memories of owning and playing with a set of Klackers called to mind a more recent but decidedly different sort of fad: Beanie Babies. While researching and writing the Everything Collectibles Book in early 2001, Beanie Babies were a well-known and frequently discussed contemporary collectible. By that time, however, the fevered pitch of the Beanie Babies' phenomenon had noticeably waned, but I nonetheless thought it prudent to at least mention Beanie Babies in the book. They just couldn't be ignored in the pantheon of collectibles because they were just so popular—for one brief shining moment at least. What the heck happened?

Here were these cuddly cute, pellet-filled, petite stuffed animals that were must-haves for thousands upon thousands of Americans, and not just little girls and boys. In fact, Beanie Babies were foremost marketed as collectibles. They weren't pitched as children's playthings like the pair of acrylic balls on a string known as Klackers (and so many other things). No, Beanie Babies were a well-orchestrated fad for a while with an investment endgame. They were a sign of the times, just like Pokemon and limited edition baseball cards. I constantly see gold investment commercials today claiming how gold is a precious asset that only appreciates and never depreciates in value. This apparent appreciation-lock is what purchasers of collectibles born and sold as collectibles, including Beanie Babies, expected from their investments. (One footnote for gold investors here: Pray that the Twilight Zone's "Rip Van Winkle Caper" denouement never comes to pass.)

In most instances the capitalists who tried to circumvent the immutable laws of the collectibles market lived to see their grand schemes go up in smoke. Of course, many of these entrepreneurs made their killings on short-lived but nonetheless fertile fields of green. The creator of the Cabbage Patch doll, for instance, made multiple millions in one maniacal year (1984).

Beanie Babies and countless other items christened collectibles upon their birth—and given birthdays, retirement dates, and the like—rarely live up to their billing. Collectibles need to pay their dues and age like fine bottles of wine, or something like that. I'd rather see kids clacking away with their Klackers than adults hijacking UPS trucks to secure the latest limited edition Beanie Baby—a stuffed kid's toy that they had no intention of ever giving to their kid. Not all fads are created equal. Some are remembered fondly, albeit a bit painfully (Klackers), while others we'd just assume forget. But then we already have.

The Summer of Klackers

I see kids of all ages out and about on the Bronx's summer streets who are completely mesmerized with their iPhones and engrossed in their iPods. This contemporary digital snapshot is a far cry from the way things were when I was a boy. You know: stickball games in the street; open fire hydrants cooling off the cool atop the blazing hot asphalt.

Once upon a time, we amused ourselves with outdoor games and objects. The walkie-talkie was high technology. The fads that blew in and out of our lives were at once less technical and less expensive. Ah...to be young again and carrying around a pair of acrylic or glass balls. I'm speaking, of course, of Klackers: two solid balls connected by a single string, which debuted sometime in the late 1960s. However, they made a tsunami-like splash in 1972 as a very visible—and very loud—fad.

Klackers were merchandised by more names than can be chronicled here: Popper Knockers, Click Clacks, Nik Noks, Whackers, Quick Waks, etc. But whatever name they went by, the toys, which featured a handle device in the center of the string between the two balls, worked with the yo-yo principle. The object was to get the two balls banging into one another with some aplomb, and, if you were any good, performing neat tricks in the process. For one brief shining moment at least, it seemed that every boy and girl on the block had a pair of Klackers. They came in a kaleidoscope of colors, too, ranging from orange to bright pink to lime green—you name it.

The Klackers’ craze, however, rapidly went by the wayside amid persisting rumors of the glass balls smashing to smithereens like buckshot into youngsters' eyes and faces—something akin to what happened to former Vice President Dick Cheney’s former hunting partner. And, naturally, when two rock-solid balls crash into one another with brute force in the vicinity of unprotected body parts, there are bound to be never-ending stories of bruised arms, hands, and knuckles. Kids will be kids, too. Accidentally, and sometimes intentionally, many a youth got whacked on the head with the uber-active Klackers' balls.

You can see the problem here. Klackers had to go…and they did. They remain, however, knocking away in the hearts and minds of the boys and girls—now men and women—who let them rip some four decades ago. Now, if you want to get your mitts on a pair of Klackers, eBay and not Wal-Mart is where to find them.

Steinbrenner's Legacy

I always admired Yogi Berra for standing up to his bullying, unprincipled employer the way he did. Berra vowed never to return to Yankee Stadium—in any way, shape, or form—as long as the blustering man upstairs, George Steinbrenner, owned the team. Bullyragged from on high, he rightfully felt dissed by his superior, who not only promised him an uninterrupted season as the Yankees manager, and then fired him after only sixteen games, but had an emissary deliver the knockout punch. From Yogi's perspective, it was this weaselly latter act that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Berra ultimately returned to the "House that Ruth Built" fifteen years later when the both larger than life and smaller than life Steinbrenner uncharacteristically apologized.

I'm currently reading Bill Madden's biography Steinbrenner: The Last Lion of Baseball. This compelling page turner underscores yet again how the truth really is stranger than fiction. Hollywood couldn't craft a more colorful bully boy to own and operate a professional sports team than King George himself. Nor could it create a manager for him to hire and fire five times as animatedly unpredictable and unstable as the scrappy Billy Martin. And intermingled in the decades of bluster and blather as the owner of the most famous sports franchise in the world are incredible acts of generosity and kindheartedness.

Quite often in the life and times of George Steinbrenner, the battered and bruised in the man's march to the sea returned for more abuse, and frequently they were rewarded with largess, and sometimes a lifetime's worth of it. There were individuals who left the Boss's employ with utter scorn for him and desired no second acts. But many came back for seconds and sometimes thirds and fourths, and fed out of the the multi-millionaire's deep trough in perpetuity.

Exhibit A: Hall of Famer Bob Lemon was hired and fired a couple of times by the Boss. He was subsequently given a scouting position for life in the organization—at $50,000 per year, which was a nice piece of change for a player who plied his trade in the financially unrewarding 1940s and 1950s. Who could blame him for accepting such a sweet deal?

If somebody regularly lied to me, publicly humiliated me on occasion, and then offered me security for life, my pride just might have to take a back seat to this warm and reassuring pipeline of green until death did us part. I guess this moral and ethical conundrum is George Steinbrenner's lasting legacy.

Fred and Ted's Excellent Adventure

There are life lessons lurking just about everywhere, including sometimes in Hollywood and in the wayward winds of popular culture. The actors who portrayed Herman Munster and Lurch, on television's The Munsters and The Addams Family, respectively, came to resent their mega-popular on-screen characters. Ultimately, the pair felt typecast and unappreciated for the width and breadth of their thespian and artistic abilities.

Apparently, Fred Gwynne came to loathe, for a period of time at least, the genially naive Frankenstein monster he played with such aplomb on the small screen in the mid-1960s. And Cassidy desperately wanted his fans to know that he could do Shakespeare, too, and not just a hideous giant who grunted and mumbled in the richest of rich baritones. But these two characters were true originals given life by two fine actors. Their iconic popularity, which has stood the test of time, is the proof in the pilaf.

It's quite understandable how achieving monumental and longstanding notoriety for playing TV parts could get under one's skin, particularly when the public will not similarly applaud anything else the actors do. But what exactly are actors' jobs anyway? Entertaining the viewing public, I'd say. They are charged with touching us in some demonstrable ways, whether it's to make us laugh, cry, or think—or some combination of the three. To have breathed life into a character like the universally beloved Herman Munster should have brought Fred Gwynne a mother lode of joy, not misery, after the series ended. And Cassidy's charismatic Lurch ideally should have lifted his spirits for all time. The six feet-nine inches tall Cassidy died unexpectedly in 1979 at the age of forty-six, a not especially contented man from all that I've read.

Really, how many of us in our lifetimes will bequeath the world decades of unbroken entertainment? And with their timeless shows in syndication, there are no ends to the yuks in sight from Gwynne's "Herman" and Cassidy's "Lurch." That's quite a legacy and a powerful life lesson, too.

Nails in the Coffin

I recently read an account chronicling the latest chapter in the Lenny Dykstra saga. It was an ugly, bizarre, almost comical footnote to the life and times of a formerly feisty, tobacco-chawing, scrappy professional baseball player who traded in his romp through the green fields of America's pastime for a bull-headed charge through the green streets of Wall Street.

Just one year after the swaggering New York Mets of 1986 won 108 regular season games and a World Championship, I devoured a spate of memoirs about that crazy and wondrous baseball season authored by various players and their quirky manager, Davey Johnson, too. But there was only one tome among this library of anti-literature that stood apart from the pack, and it was Lenny Dykstra's NAILS: The Inside Story of an Amazin' Season. The "with" guy, who actually wrote the book in Dykstra's incomparable voice, was sportswriter Marty Noble. NAILS was in a class by itself, as Noble nobly channeled the memories, observations, and opinions of this short, lean, and gritty centerfielder affectionately known as "Nails." "Today we played the fucking Cardinals" was the kind of stuff interspersed throughout the book's narrative, as well as Dykstra's dismissing all things with which he disagreed with a pithy "I call bullshit on that."

Flash forward more than twenty years and this very same man is apparently broke, bankrupt, and living in the back of his van or something only slightly better than that. It is reported that he owes tens of millions of dollars to a whole host of people and entities who bought lock, stock, and barrel into the mega-hype that he, a former baseball player, was a financial whiz kid. Frequently wrong guru in the world of high finance, Jim Cramer, even sang Dykstra's praises on his CNBC program.

Once upon a time Lenny Dykstra hit a walk-off homerun against the Houston Astros in the 1986 NLCS. It was an extraordinary baseball moment and a Met fan memory of mega-import that we will not soon forget. In all of professional sports, there are few happenings more dramatic than walk-off, game-winning home runs, particularly in critical games and during the post-season. It's too bad Dykstra didn't walk-off into the sunset of positive memories that October day....

Instead, life went on, and Dykstra has since been fingered in the Mitchell Report as a steroid user—no big surprise here considering that he morphed into a major muscle head and power hitter, which he certainly wasn't with the Mets, in the later years of his career. And recently, of course, this celebrated financial genius inaugurated a magazine called The Players Club for a readership of well-compensated professional athletes, which embodied investment and brokerage counsel among its myriad services. And as they are so often wont to do, the moneyed lemmings came out of the woodwork and poured millions upon millions of dollars into what turned out to be a black hole with no there there. I, for one, just wish I could turn the clock back to 1986—for Lenny's sake.

Wrong Aid at Rite Aid

Yesterday, I shopped at my local Rite Aid, one of the omnipresent drug-store chain's multiple stores. They sell virtually everything nowadays but without the bargains commensurate with the economies of scale they are supposed to possess. Bigger, after all, is supposed to mean cheaper.

But I’m not concerned about their inflated prices right now. It’s their overall customer service, which is sorely lacking, that bothers me most of all. And I expect very little from the businesses that I patronize. In fact, all I ask is that a physical presence be there to take my money after my completed rounds, and that I not have to wait very long to complete the transaction.

I don't get it. These corporate chains seem to place a very low premium on this fundamental aspect of customer service. They frequently have managers on the scene who don’t appear remotely concerned about people waiting on lines. My latest Rite Aid encounter involved a coupon dispute between an annoying old woman and the only cashier on duty, which ground everything to a halt. I was next on line, and there was no one yet behind me. After several minutes of futile tit-for-tat, a manager was summoned to adjudicate the coupon war of words. She appeared completely oblivious to the customers on line, which numbered six by now.

I worked in a retail environment for many years—initially in a mom-and-pop pet food and supply store that established a reputation for conscientious customer service. The business grew in leaps and bounds because it distinguished itself from the competition in putting the customer first. When our patrons wanted to give us money, job one was to take it from them as quickly and as courteously as possible. I always thought that’s why businesses were in business.

Socket to Me

A footnote to my prior rumination: I’d just like to say that my C-Leg is a spectacular specimen of technological wonder. I walk miles with this mechanical marvel of a knee; I ride the subway with it; I shovel snow; I mop the floors of my apartment—the sky's the limit. But, alas, it’s not the C-Leg but the socket that attaches to it where my greatest problems lurk. The socket, by the way, is what embraces the "residual limb," which is a welcome euphemism for the oh-so-disagreeable and ugly sounding "stump" word.

Heat and humidity have ruled this week in the city that I have forever called home, including two days that surpassed 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Now let me just say that my revered C-Leg attaches to the residual limb courtesy of a suction device made of silicone rubber. And as you might imagine, perspiration and suction are an unhappy and uncomfortable coupling....

In fact, countless times this volatile commingling has thrown me for a loop with the upper reaches of my socket invading some very unwelcome body territory. And even in New York City, it’s not considered kosher to readjust oneself in the public square—to make things right and proper—with a hand down one's trousers. So, I live and let live, and accept a little chafing, pinching, and occasional pain—the genuine article—to avoid a worse fate. And here’s hoping for cooler and drier days ahead. But then again, hazy, hot, humid are a whole lot more hospitable than cold, snow, and ice on the ground...and the very real prospect of falling on my tookus with one wrong step.

Once You Pass Its Border...

Four years ago this month is my unhappy anniversary of a grueling thirty-day hospital stay. While the first forty-four years of my life were patient free—save a brief stay upon birth—that all changed in one fell swoop.

I’d like to borrow a line from the Christmas song classic "Toyland": “Once you pass its borders, you can never return again.” Unfortunately, I’m not speaking of a “Little Girl and Boy Land” chock full of every imaginable plaything, candy canes, and wide-eyes beaming innocence and wonder. This is Hospital Land I am talking about: a place replete with pain, suffering, and the ultimate humbling. Once you have ventured beyond this border, you can never return again. You can never quite see life the same way.

Despite making it out of Hospital Land alive, I feel something deep down now that I didn’t feel before—something very unsettling and forbidding. Finding yourself in Hospital Land could happen at any moment and without fair warning—that’s the scary reality. In fact, it’s even more likely than not to happen at some point in your life and times. What particularly haunts me four years after the fact is the knowing. That is, how relatively easily I acclimated to the hospital regimen and resigned myself to pain, and the days and nights of getting shuffled around like a stick of furniture, and pricked and prodded like a slab of meat.

To make a long story short, I was rushed to the emergency room with a foot that had turned completely white and numb, not to mention snowballing amounts of pain rippling up my leg. I was informed in the ER that one of three things would likely be done to me—A, B, or C—with the last possibility the most in-depth and serious. In other words, to reestablish blood flow, transplanting a vein from my groin area to my lifeless foot was as bad as it could get. Wrong! Unfortunately for me, it wasn’t procedure A, B, or C that I experienced on the operating table, but D—none of the above. The surgeons unexpectedly discovered a mass of tissue behind my right knee, which very nearly caused me to bleed to death on the operating table. Considering the massive blood loss, if I survived at all, I was certain to have irreparably damaged some vital organs.

First the good news: I not only have lived to tell but with no lasting damage to a single organ—not a one. Now the bad news: My post-operative leg looked like it had been the main course at a coyote-vulture barbecue. It really did. More good news: That mess has been cleared away and replaced by a computer. I plug in my right knee before I lay me down to sleep each night, take no medications for anything, and am as fit as a fiddle. Lucky me....

Ye, John Adams

In December 1972, the entire fourth grade class of St. John’s parochial grammar school ventured down to Radio City Music Hall to see its annual Christmas show, which in those days featured a full-length movie in addition to the leggy Rockettes. Via the Number 1 subway train, which we could spy outside of our east-facing classroom windows in the Bronx neighborhood of Kingsbridge, we made it to midtown Manhattan in under an hour.

The movie we saw that year was a musical: 1776. It starred, among others, William Daniels as John Adams. Portrayed in the film as strident, insufferable, and generally disliked by his congressional peers, Adams was nonetheless depicted as the chief proponent for American independence—a man of principle above all else. He once wrote: Let us tenderly and kindly cherish, therefore, the means of knowledge. Let us dare to record, think, speak, and write.

Sadly, Adams doesn’t get his just due as a founding father. There are no memorials for him in our nation’s capital, which by the way was not named “Adams.” He's not featured on any coins or currency. He's considered a failed president. Meanwhile, author of the Declaration of Independence Thomas Jefferson is on a patriotic pedestal. And while he was indisputably brilliant, a giant of American history, and key founder, Jefferson the man was quite hypocritical, often distastefully political, and downright strange. For all of his flaws, Adams was a man of great insight, unflagging decency, and genuine courage throughout a very long life lived. Coincidentally, both he and Jefferson died on July 4, 1826, fifty years after America officially bid adieu to porcine King George III and his sprawling empire.

In my opinion, one of the best biographies ever written is David McCullough’s John Adams. Not only are Adams's lifetime of achievements impressive, but his voluminous letters are frequently poignant, particularly the correspondence with his wife and children. The very private Jefferson destroyed all missives between he and his wife. I say, "Ye, John Adams" on this special day....

Laugh and the Whole World Laughs with You

Once upon a time I had a high school teacher. Let's call him Mr. D. He taught a freshman-year course called "Afro-Asian history." Mr. D was an affable and entertaining man who frequently tickled the funny bones of his fourteen-year-old students. Sadly, I fear that this educator’s keen sense of humor and wry wit would bomb on the contemporary school stage.

At some point in the school year—1976-1977—we were studying the Southeast Asian country of India and its independent founding in 1947. The nation’s first prime minister was a man named Jawaharlal Nehru, a Mahatma Gandhi disciple. He is perhaps more renowned for inspiring a western fashion trend: the Nehru jacket. Throughout Mr. D’s lecture on the subject matter—India’s fledgling democracy and not sartorial predilections—our teacher would speak in his normal tone of voice, and at his normal pace, until he came to the polysyllabic Nehru first name. He would then pause—drum roll, please—and roll his tongue with consummate comic timing. I wish I could spell what I heard, but since it’s beyond my ken, I won't even try. After Mr. D’s unique and colorful pronunciation of “Jawaharlal,” he would promptly return to his natural speaking pattern and quietly say “Nehru.” It was something akin to the late Victor Borge’s phonetic punctuation routine—conventionally reading aloud from a book but supplying things like periods, commas, and question marks with their own individual and expressive sounds.

If Mr. D did any such thing today, a young snitch would likely turn him in. If nothing else, schoolkids are trained in this duplicitous art at a very young age. And Mr. D would then be horsewhipped by the overly sensitive and feckless powers-that-be for not respecting another culture, or even be accused of more nefarious crimes against humanity. But you know what: Jawaharlal is an unusual name from our vantage point in the Land of Jacob and Isabella. Bet you can’t say it three times real fast. If teachers in India or anywhere else in the one world we live in want to make fun of American surnames, I say: More power to them. Laugh…and the whole world laughs with you. And no safe spaces required....

Dog Days and Scaredy Cats

We are on the cusp of entering the so-called “dog days” of summer, which commence in early July and last through much of the month of August. This annual time frame embodies what is, typically, the hottest and most uncomfortable stretch of summertime. But “dog days?” Where pray tell did this expression come from? Actually, we can thank a civilization of scaredy-cats for the dog days. The ancient Greeks coined the term.

Really, there’s no point in pussyfooting around here: The ancient civilizations were populated by a litter of scaredy-cats, most of whom looked up into the skies—both day and night—and shuddered in their sandals. They were always seeing omens and harbingers of bad tidings in celestial goings-on that we now take for granted as the benignant norm.

When the ancient Greeks observed Sirius, the “Dog Star,” during the summer months, they hyperventilated en masse. Sirius, which received its moniker courtesy of its residence in the constellation Canis Major, the Big Dog, is—from our earthly catbird seat—the brightest star in the night sky. But when the trembling folks from yesteryear saw the star effectively rise with the hot sun during early July through mid-August, they jumped to a few unfortunate conclusions and flipped their raspberries in the process. The Dog Star’s behavior had to portend wicked times to come during the blistering hot days and nights of summer. There could be no other explanation.

If there is a lesson here it is this: When you’re sweltering and sweating in the coming weeks—and moaning and groaning about the horrific heat and humidity—think of how better off you are than the perpetually petrified ancients who regularly cowered in fear of the unknown, and, yes, lived without a thing called air conditioning.

The Doctor in My House

Courtesy of my favorite Christmas gift—a Netflix subscription renewal—I’ve been enjoying a steady stream of Doc Martin episodes of late. This British-made comedy-drama series absolutely distinguishes itself in its genre. In fact, on the nights that I pop in a DVD to watch an episode, I cannot help but marvel at the show’s remarkable quality and qualities. I don’t want any of the forty-five-minute episodes to end. Now, I wish I could say that for any of what passes as American television nowadays. Doc Martin is not only superbly written and acted, but also filmed on location in a stark, picturesque English fishing village.

If there is one downside for me in watching Doc Martin—as well as other first-rate British shows—it's that the mere act underscores how truly fatuous Hollywood has become. There is just no way—no way—Tinseltown could produce a program like Doc Martin. It’s beyond the place’s ken. It tries an awful lot, and way too hard sometimes, to construct shows that effectively blend light comedy with poignant drama, but rarely, if ever, pulls it off. And, really, it’s sad that here in the world’s creative epicenter, creating first-class programming that marries such key ingredients as subtle writing, good acting, and riveting atmosphere is well nigh impossible.

A reviewer on the IMDb site hit the nail on the head when he summed things up this way:

Someone should teach the Americans how to make this sort of show: funny, whimsical and without a glimmer of preaching, with weird and damaged characters that hug you from the screen, and pathos aplenty. It requires a light hand unfortunately, something that neither Hollywood nor primetime TV in the US is renowned for.

Indeed, it’s the light touch at play that works. Hollywood’s heavy hand is so transparent nowadays. Calling all Hollywood big shots: Why not give Doc Martin creator Dominic Minghella a call for a light helping hand? Naturally, I’m not holding my breath in anticipation of better things to come. I suppose that's why we have Netflix and PBS—to spare us from a never-ending story of way, way too much Made-in-America small screen rubbish.

The Monster Mash

Some two decades ago, a writer friend of mine lit a literary firecracker under a frequently pretentious and usually drowsy open microphone gathering of poets. He simultaneously created a monster. It wasn’t his intention to unleash a fifty-something troll upon society, but these kinds of things happen on occasion.

It started out very innocently: an acquaintance of his wrote a poem and asked my friend to read it for him. This fledgling poet was a blue-collar guy through and through—the shy and retiring kind—and couldn’t envision himself pouring out his soul and spleen before his peers. My friend told him “No” in no uncertain terms. “You’ve got to read it yourself. It’s your work,” he said. The local yokel reluctantly agreed and recited his poem in a public forum.

From that moment on, this formerly inconspicuous neighbor of ours was hooked—line and sinker. He just couldn’t get enough of standing before audiences and reading his latest scribbling. Yes, a man who boasted how he never read anything—other than technical manuals for his line of work—considered himself a poet extraordinaire and literary heavyweight overnight. He churned out the verse faster than fast, and even developed a gaggle of devotees. He wasn't half bad, I thought. But his acolytes were in for the shocks of their lives when they asked their master to have a gander at what they’d written. His common rejoinder: “This is complete and utter garbage." He could also be heard to cry, "Stop wasting my time,” crushing countless young grasshoppers along the way. People, by the way, who merely desired a whiff of encouragement from their revered mentor. The man’s runaway ego ran away all right as he trashed one and all who dared follow his lead in the poetical arts. Twenty years later and he’s still at it. But I can assure you: He’s no Robert Frost.

A Question of Character

Some years ago, I serviced my car at a local mechanic run by two men. The partnership consisted of a younger, soft-spoken, agreeable fellow and an older, coarse, irascible sort. A friend of mine who also patronized these very different—but very competent—grease monkeys got along swimmingly with the youngest member of the team, but loathed with a passion the more wizened and strident half.

When I informed my friend that I got along swimmingly with, and actually liked, Bill (that was the blowhard’s name), he was flabbergasted. What can I say: I found the man’s antics entertaining. While paying my bill one day in the garage’s modest office to the man himself, the phone rang. The call was for his partner, Marty. But rather than get up, walk a few steps to the doorway, and open the door, Bill remained seated and bellowed at the top of his lungs: “MARTY!!! TELEPHONE!!! MARTY!!!”

If my mechanic and I were cartoon characters, I would have somersaulted down wind of his super-high volume. It’s as if the garage became a sitcom stage at that moment. While many of the business's patrons found Bill boorish and unnecessarily antagonistic, I saw him as a true original. My aforementioned friend—a vocal anti-Bill critic—once told me, “You turn everyone into characters.” Perhaps I do. But if, as Shakespeare wrote, “All the world’s a stage,” then we are all characters, most especially Bill the Mechanic and the countless others who might otherwise be very annoying indeed.

Speak Softee and Carry a Chocolate Milk Shake

Today being the summer solstice and official start of summertime, I thought I’d put in a few good words for the venerable Mister Softee. One of the Mister Softee franchisees traverses my block on a daily basis these days. In fact, he’s merely yards away from my front door virtually every evening between 7:30 and 8:30. And while the Mister Softee jingle can be extraordinarily grating to one’s ears—it travels very, very long distances, too, without losing its annoying quality—the ice cream has held up rather well in this less for more society that we live in.

As a boy growing up in the Bronx’s Kingsbridge neighborhood, the ice cream man was the man—notably the Good Humor guy, who would materialize like clockwork every summer night, manually ring his bells, and chum for business. No musical theme from this more budget-friendly brand. In fact, there were multiple ice cream peddlers roaming the Bronx back in the day, including Mister Softee, Bungalow Bar, Colonial Maid, and Uncle John’s. I distinctly remember the Uncle John’s driver: an old geezer and dead ringer for a classic New York character actor named Herbie Faye.

The beauty surrounding Mister Softee is that the company's fleet of trucks are the same style vehicles from thirty and forty years ago. However, when the Good Humor man showed up in those days of yore, you could purchase a whammy stick for a nickel, a rocket pop for a dime, or an Italian ice for twenty cents. These days, I plunk down $4.00 for a chocolate milk shake with a calorie count of 450 (or so Mister Softee's chart tells me).

Ida's Lesson

Many years ago, I became acquainted with an elderly couple who owned and operated a local business called Rapid Printing on West 242nd Street near the starting point—or finishing point, take your pick—of the Number 1 subway line. By the time I got to know them, Mike and Ida were dinosaurs in an industry that was rapidly changing, if you will, with technological innovations and computerization replacing clumsy, hand-operated machinery and drudge work.

The kindly and very bighearted entrepreneurs nonetheless managed to hang on to the eve of the new millennium, even though their latter business years were anything but profitable. But Mike and Ida had been plying in the trade for more than fifty years, and they desired remaining active and occupied for as long as they physically could.

Prominent in Rapid Printing's store front window was the number 48, which underscored the total hours it took for wedding invitations to be both printed and available for pickup. That’s just two days—a delightfully favorable time frame for harried brides-to-be. But hold your horses.

Ida informed me one day that the 48-hour service referred to business hours—eight-hour days. In other words, it was a six-day service, not two as many folks surmised. “That’s the gimmick,” she said sans any irony. It was, however, a printing industry thing, and not a Bronx mom-and-pop shop’s calculated ruse to lure in unwitting couples soon to be living happily ever after.

In any event, Ida’s larger and longstanding lesson is the “gimmick,” as she coined it. We all need one or two to call our own—and not the duplicitous kind, but something palpable that sets us apart from the pack in visibly apparent and lasting ways. Take it from Ida.

(Photo from the personal collection of Nicholas Nigro)

Meet the Pet Parents

I have disks chock full of book notions that either died in the idea stage or met their makers on the chutes and ladders of Publishing Land. You know: Thanks but no thanks. One such project was entitled Meet the Pet Parents, which hoped to someday be a compilation of essays on the cross-section of interesting pet people whom I met along the way in my seventeen years in the business. What follows is a snippet of sample material from an old book proposal gathering virtual dust:

Tuesday’s Child is Dixie Dinner

Bill and Winnie lorded over a veritable menagerie of companion animals. At one point in time, the couple cohabited with forty-eight felines, which proved a very propitious number for them. You’ll soon appreciate why. But first, contemplate the problems that could have ensued had this considerable brood been a persnickety bunch.

Most fortunately for Bill and Winnie, their four-dozen resident felines gave their collective paws up to an extensive list of acceptable cat food brands and flavors. This roster of dinner possibilities proved far-reaching enough to weather any and all out-of-stocks at our store, because there were always second, third, and even fourth and fifth alternatives on the list.

Now, here’s why that cat census figure made Bill and Winnie’s life a smidgen less complicated. There were twenty-four cans in the cases of food they favored. So, feeding forty-eight cats amounted to expending exactly two cases a day—one can for each feline border—and fourteen cases a week. Bill and Winnie had only one proviso attached to their weekly cat food order. They insisted the house meal be uniform for the whole kit and caboodle—everybody eats the same thing on any given day. This way there would be no hard feelings, jealousies, or—perish the thought—cat fights. And so, Monday was Liver and Bacon day; Tuesday, Dixie Dinner day; Wednesday, Scrambled Eggs and Beef day, and so on and so forth.

Bill and Winnie were truly egalitarian in the management of their sprawling household. When one and all dined on the identical supper, no cat in their home and hearth could ever cite instances of favoritism. Bill, who always did the family shopping, would call on us each week with his list of fourteen cases in hand: two of this, two of that, etc. If we only had one case of a selection in stock, it just wouldn’t do. Bill would then advance to his second tier for a satisfactory substitute. But always, there had to be two cases available for sale—or there would be no sale.

Bill clued us in on the not inconsiderable task of opening forty-eight cans of cat food and feeding forty-eight cats each day. Suffice it to say, it gobbled up some time and necessitated ample doses of organization and patience. To assist with the daily drudge work, he told us that he utilized a high-quality electric can opener manufactured by Black and Decker. The company, Bill said, offered a lifetime guarantee on his preferred utensil. He confessed that the sheer volume of his can-opening requirements eventually cast it asunder. A single can opener would last him approximately six months. Bill would then exchange it for a new one and repeat the process all over again.

The Business We've Chosen...

While toiling in the retail pet care trade as a young man, it sometimes seemed that the industry at large reeked of cat urine enmeshed in the living room rug. My initial take was that there were many players within this curious and emergent business sphere who were not especially high on the ethical totem pole. But gradually, I discovered that the pet biz was no better or worse than countless other commercial sectors. Most of the entrepreneurs, salespeople, et al, whom I met in my extended travels therein, were hunky dory in my book—so much so that I co-wrote a book encouraging others to join the fun. It’s just that when we are in the trenches—in whatever line of work—the worms in the inevitable bad apples appear especially slimy. To paraphrase from a highly regarded twelve-step recovery program: “The worst problem in the room is yours, because it’s happening to you.”

The good, the bad, and the ugly of humanity are lurking in all the career and occupational bushes. When I chance upon the writing and publishing discussion boards every now and then, I cannot help but notice the multi-layers of discontent among the scribbling class. Surprise, surprise, surprise…railing against the publishing realm is rather routine. Complaints about acts of treachery, unfairness, and hard-hearted bottom-line mentalities abound. Where have I heard this before? Individuals regularly regale readers with their personal horror stories in the trade in which they ply, and extrapolate that rampant unprofessionalism and exploitation are the rules rather than the exceptions.

Wherever one forages for dollars and/or a lick of recognition, ups and downs are par for the course. Granted, some of us experience more downs than ups. Still, the folks whom I’ve worked with in recent years have been completely professional and totally upfront with me. And, besides, no one held a gun to my head and made me sign on any dotted line. Speaking of holding a guns to one's head: In The Godfather II, aging and ailing gangster Hyman Roth reflects on his career path to Michael Corleone. “And I said to myself...this is the business we’ve chosen,” Roth exclaims with weary conviction. And, really, this celluloid hooligan’s epiphany can be applied to our own lives. That is, when we choose to play on a certain field, it’s best to both understand and make peace with the game’s rules beforehand.

Them and Now

One of the perks of authoring a book of interest to people beyond your family and friends is that you just might find yourself in a green room alongside a favorite celebrity, and get that chance of a lifetime to say hello, and maybe a little more than that. This didn’t happen to me.

However, I did enjoy one brief shining moment with a former child star. And let me say for the record that it would not have been my choice of close encounters, but it was nevertheless a night to remember.

When our eyes met, I admit to not recognizing this star from yesteryear. But I was fortunately privy to a conversation she had with a fellow green room guest. And when she mentioned that she was an actress, I very discreetly went in for a closer look…but nothing…absolutely nothing. Then things turned a bit ugly as she veered into the subject of politics, uttering a series of vacuous talk-radio platitudes in the most haughty of tones. Mercifully, she ended her political rant and revealed the show in which she starred in over forty years ago. I knew her all right….

A little exposition is in order here: It was past midnight and several night owls, including me, were slated to appear on a radio show in the wee small hours of the morning. To appear on a program that wasn't likely to sell any books for me, I had to take the Number 1 subway train down to Chambers Street and walk several blocks to the ghostly vicinity of Ground Zero. And I would have to return from whence I came in the middle of night, a rare chance to see the city that never sleeps sound asleep.

As things turned out—bad karma in the late-night ether—this former child star was at the radio station on the wrong night. It was her mistake, but she made a big stink anyway, browbeating the show’s affable young producer. It was an embarrassing spectacle for the rest of us to behold.

Nevertheless, after this diva-without-portfolio performance, I decided—for my own amusement—to chat with her. How often does one get to kibitz with a former child star? I told her that I was familiar with the show she starred in once upon a time as a teenage girl. (She’s in her sixties now and was promoting the DVD release of the series.) After my short tête-à-tête with her, there was little doubt remaining that this woman was a real piece of work—ridiculously full of herself.

When, at last, the diva in our midst exited the green room for good—her complaining actually got her a spot, which bumped the rest of us back—the unlucky lady with whom she politically harangued, turned to me and asked with genuine astonishment in her voice, “She is someone famous?” This woman hailed from England and was not altogether familiar with American celebrity culture. I explained to her that she wasn’t famous in the least. More difficult was explaining how I knew who she was. For some reason, the British gal seemed greatly relieved that she hadn’t been talking with a bona fide American star, but a Hollywood nebula instead.

It was right then and there that I thought: What if I had run into somebody in the green room whom I actually admired, and that somebody turned out to be a real jackass? Happens all the time. Say, for instance, I was a big fan of William Shatner. I wouldn't want to end up in a green room with the man. And so I am grateful that no illusions were shattered in this chance meeting with a former child star. 

Rex Reed Nation

At some point in time—where snowballing technological advances met the new kid on the block—America morphed into a Rex Reed Nation. As a mere lad in the mid-1970s, I was a faithful viewer of The Gong Show hosted by the eccentrically droll Chuck Barris. For lack of a more apt description, this daily fare was a slimmer budgeted, vastly less talented, considerably more ridiculous and insane version of America’s Got Talent and American Idol.

The show consisted of its quirky host and the three panelist judges who were empowered to cut short an act by hitting a very large gong with a gong banger—or whatever it is that one whacks a gong with? One of the three panelists was often the entertainingly snarky movie critic Rex Reed, renowned for his witty put-downs and irascible idiosyncrasies.

Flash forward three decades plus and we’ve become a nation of Rex Reeds—critics to the core and from a very young age, too. Cloaked in anonymity, sixth and seventh graders rate their teachers on a public forum, revealing their immaturity and, worse than that, boorishness and stupidity. Older kids and their adult enablers proudly run with the critic baton and take their reviews and commentaries to new heights—or, more aptly, new depths. No distinctions are made between reviews of products and flesh-and-blood human beings, and rarely do the critical masses consider the consequences of their words. It’s easy to bloviate with a user-name handle, the virtual equivalent of a bag over one's head.

Irresponsibility, uncouthness, and out-and-out dumbness were omnipresent back in the day, only the populace at large was constrained by technology. We kept our foolishness, incivility, and insensitivity withing our little life circles. Today, speaking when one has nothing to say is not only encouraged but celebrated as well. And shame on the so-called adults who have not only laid the foundation of this Rex Reed Nation of ours, but perpetuate it every single day with their actions and inaction.

When Life Seems Ridiculous...Why Pretend Otherwise?

There are a cornucopia of New Age philosophies, insights, and dictums worth their weights in gold; new takes on old religions and mores boldly going where past generations would not dare tread. But, in these enlightened times of ours, there must also be room made for those of us who wish to walk another walk on occasion. That is, for those of us who view life as a positively ridiculous spectacle sometimes, and not an every breathing moment journey of self-discovery.

Life is awfully ridiculous in countless ways—and, yes, often ridiculously cruel, too. It is also teeming with a cross-section of utterly ridiculous fellow world travelers. For me to deny what is transparently self-evident would make me mashugana in a New York Minute.

So, I choose not to pretend that life’s considerable and diverse deck of cards contains no jokers. I have discovered on my life odyssey that a little mockery of all that is—and all that may be—goes a long way in the sanity maintenance department. Its sheer force—the raw, healing power of its honesty—assists me in wading through each ridiculous day. And you know what: I suspect that the entertaining ravings of venerable comedian Don Rickles, "Mr. Warmth," contain just as many life truths as do the earnest pronouncements of best-selling guru Deepak Chopra.

Zigzag Run and the Formerly Young Person

Have you ever encountered an individual who looked very familiar to you—someone you think you remember from your youth and the old neighborhood? A person whom you haven't seen in a very long time, and who's not so young anymore? What follows is another excerpt from Zigzag Run, a novel that I've been working on between nibbles this past year. From the forty-something narrator's perspective—a man who’s lived in the same neighborhood for all the times of his life—this little snippet runs headfirst into the often unsettling "formerly young person" phenomenon:

Making my way towards Broadway alongside Manhattan College’s field of green, I peered into the bar on the property’s farthest east end. When the saloon was part of the old Gaelic Park, it was christened “the world’s longest bar.” I sincerely doubt that it is "Guinness World Records" material, but it is rather long.

As my mind and body both wandered, a local whom I see from time to time was headed in my direction. I don’t know him personally and don’t say hello to him. I suspect he is several years my junior. I say this because I recognize him as somebody that’s been in the neighborhood forever. He was a kid that I recall seeing around when I was a kid.

If there is a single reason why it’s not ordinarily a healthy thing to remain in the same geographic locale for all the years of your life, this is it. Here I was looking at a man close to forty—give or take a couple of years—who is now hideously overweight with a gargantuan stomach that flaps up and down with each loping step. His formerly young face, which is still recognizable, is glossy red and badly dappled. His nose is already layered—bulbous from the ravages of one too many drinks.

As we passed one another, I noticed he was wearing a New Jersey Devils hockey jersey, which he often sports. It had to be XXXXX-L to fit him, I thought. He was intently listening to his iPod, precluding any interaction with anybody, even eye contact. I've been seeing a lot of him lately, walking back and forth, and back and forth again, for hours upon hours. The Columbo in me tells me that he’s likely following doctor’s orders: Stop drinking, exercise, and lose a ton of weight—or you’re toast.

These neighborhood ghosts—my contemporaries who still roam the same streets they did when they were kids—are unsettling sightings. There’s just something melancholy about spying these “formerly young persons.” I fear that I too am a formerly young person to other longtime residents of the area, and maybe even to the behemoth who just passed me by.

Bronx Anglophile

A funny thing happened on the way to the Barnes & Noble bathroom at Union Square. I ended up in Piccadilly Circus. My bookshelves began sagging under the weight of biographies on the likes of Winston Churchill, Margaret Thatcher, and Tony Blair. I’ve even read and thoroughly enjoyed an autobiography penned by the oh-so-gray John Major. And before everyone and his or her mother and father were selling used books on Amazon for a song, I paid top dollar for a then hard-to-come-by title called A Conservative Coup, by Alan Watkins, which chronicled the inter-party revolt that ended for all time the Iron Lady’s lengthy premiership, and cost me a pretty penny in the process. I don’t know exactly what is it about the Brits? But I just cannot get enough of them…one particular oil corporation excepted.

My Netflix queue runneth over with all things British at the moment: A Touch of Frost, Doc Martin, and even Hetty Wainthropp Investigates. I’ve got all of the Inspector Morse episodes on VHS tapes, all of the available Foyle’s War on DVD, and I’ve watched them over and over and over. With baited breath, I wait patiently for PBS’s Mystery Theater's showing of the third season of Lewis. Yes, I know Law and Order has been an American staple for a very long time, a series that has spawned multiple progeny, but I always found the show pretentious and unrealistic—a little too hip for its own good. And while I’m a big fan of New York’s Finest, their detectives just don’t communicate with one another like the Law and Order crowd—at least none that I’ve encountered. And who wants to take motion sickness pills before watching a TV show? How about holding the camera steady during filming? Oh, pardon me—that’s really cool, and I’m just a square peg in a round hole pining for classic American detective fodder like The Rockford Files and Kojak.

And there’s a wee bit more Anglo worship here. One of the few television programs that I’ve been faithful to over the past decade is C-SPAN’s Prime Minister’s Questions, a weekly, half-hour session live and direct from the House of Commons, when the United Kingdom’s head of government entertains questions from those ostensibly representing the average blokes. There are no teleprompters during this brisk give-and-take, which would likely discombobulate the leader of the free world. It’s ordinarily quite raucous and an almost always entertaining spectacle. I’ve tried many times watching our home-grown elected officials during live congressional debates and typically come away either bored silly or quasi-nauseous. It’s a matter of being too close to home, I guess. It's easier to watch politicians and their self-serving antics when separated by an ocean, particularly when one has no vested interest in what's pouring out of their mouths. No real difference exists in the moral fiber of the two countries' pols, but the Brits certainly do theater better.

And may I say for the record that I’m certainly no fan of royalty, the royal family, and ostentatious pomp. I’m glad we whupped their butts at Yorktown. Still, I’m grateful for the special relationship we have with the culture most responsible for a little thing called individual liberties, not to mention a pretty popular language. True, the English could be pretty beastly when the sun never set on them. But we’re in the new millennium now, so why not let bygones be bygones?