Goodbye, Mr. Chips

(Originally published 5/21/16)

I recently purchased a few Banquet brand frozen turkey dinners at a local supermarket. “TV dinners” are not typically on my shopping list nowadays for a variety of reasons—the foremost being that they aren’t very good. Once upon a time my youthful palate appreciated their ultra-sodium contents—but no more. Still, they were on sale and the packaging underscored the fact that there was now “fifty percent more” turkey in them.

If nothing else, consuming these frozen dinners amounted to a stroll down Memory Lane. And, I will concede, they were curiously edible. However, if there was indeed double the turkey in the dinners, their predecessors must have been sorely lacking—unsatisfying for sparrows let alone for the human masses. Fifty percent more turkey notwithstanding, I could have effortlessly eaten the three I bought in one sitting. If there was a downside to TV dinners during my wide-eyed and insatiably hungry boyhood, it was, without question, the portions. Even Swanson’s “Hungry Man” versions were somehow never enough.

This frozen dinner experience nevertheless got me thinking about other grocery store products from my youth, some that still exist and others that are in the compost heap of history. I ate a lot of pizza in my younger days—and in a variety of forms, too, including an instant toaster version manufactured by Buitoni. Regrettably, they are no more, but I fondly recall their gooey, reddish-orange puree of cheese and tomato sauce interiors, which were invariably blistering hot and prone to burn the mouth. My “Whatever Became Of” Internet search on these peculiar pizzas from yesteryear led me far afield to past comfort foods like Borden’s “Ready to Drink” Frosted Shakes in their heavy aluminum cans. We added milk to them at our house. They were that thick. Sadly, the Frosted Shake has gone the way of the Buitoni toaster pizza.

And the death knell didn’t end there. Sometime around 1970, Kellogg’s introduced toaster pastries called Danish Go-Rounds. I distinctly remember the TV commercials for them. They featured a catchy jingle that went something like this: “A new kind of pastry, frosting, and tasty. New Kellogg’s…Danish Go-Rounds.” They were tasty all right, but disappeared while I was still eating them. I had no choice. It was back to Pop-Tarts.

This former fare retrospective of mine found me in the end in Fudgetown. These were my all-time favorite cookies from a company called Burry, which also made Girl Scout cookies back then, when they were actually good. I hadn’t thought of Fudgetown in a long time, but I see that they, too, are only a memory now, along with Burry’s other boxed cookies: Gaucho and Mr. Chips, with the mysterious silhouette of Mr. Chips on the box. They were quality cookies. And since I never got the chance when Burry discontinued the products, I’d like to finally say it—better late than never—“Goodbye, Mr. Chips.” 

The Ice Cream Man Cometh

In New York City and much of the northeast, residents like me are experiencing the winter that wasn’t and apparently won’t be. It’s been so mild and virtually snowless that the ice cream man, Mister Softee, is already making his appointed rounds. This is unheard of for this time of year, akin to the swallows of San Juan Capistrano returning on St. Lucy’s Day rather than St. Joseph’s Day. Rounds, by the way, that include the venerable Mister Softee jingle polluting the air. As a youth, I welcomed the ditty playing over and over and over on a repetitive loop—and why not? Now, however, it’s intrusive and maddening! With ample history on my side, I reasoned that I was safe in wintertime from this very grating sound of summer. To employ a favorite media tag: It is truly “historic.”

These are, in fact, times that try men’s souls on a whole host of fronts. For instance, the latest ignominy perpetuated on the written word: the bowdlerizing of children’s author Roald Dahl’s works. I never read any of his stuff as a boy, but the late author had and has a considerable following. Over three million copies of Dahl’s books have sold. His characters are peculiar and colorful: “fat,” “ugly,” and “crazy” for starters.

In Dahl’s original James and the Giant Peach, published in 1961, the Centipede character sings: “Aunt Sponge was terrifically fat…and tremendously flabby at that” and “Aunt Spiker was thin as a wire…and dry as a bone, only drier.” Here are the edits made sixty-two years later that the publisher, Puffin, says are “small and carefully considered”: “Aunt Sponge was a nasty old brute…and deserved to be squashed by the fruit” and “Aunt Spiker was much of the same…and deserves half of the blame.” That’s small and carefully considered!

In Dahl’s 1983 book “The Witches,” he writes at some point, “Even if she is working as a cashier in a supermarket or typing letters for a businessman…” This is changed in 2023 to “Even if she is working as a top scientist or running a business…” I believe young and old alike can ascertain how books from the past—some written eons ago—reflect their time and don’t require alterations to avoid offending someone somewhere in the here and now. By the way, what’s the issue with working as a cashier? Elite censors?

When I imagine who these censors are—predominantly young flunkies in publishing taking their marching orders from consultants—I cringe. This offended class—non-writers educated in the art of offense—willy nilly rewriting the books of a renowned and deceased author—with a large fan base that transcends generations—is at once out of line and nauseating. Sure, Dahl was a strange man and “not an angel” to quote Salman Rushdie, harsh critic of this farce. But Dahl—and Dahl alone—created the surreal world with the likes of Augustus Gloop, Matilda Wormwood,, and George Kranky inhabiting it. It’s not the job of present-day puerile blue-pencil pushers and wacky activists to obliterate it. Here’s an idea: Why not cultivate new writers instead? Folks who will envision characters who aren’t fat, ugly, and crazy, but non-binary, neurodiverse, and intersectional instead. The more the merrier! And while you’re at it: Fear not all that came before, it won’t bite you.  

I’ve dealt with many fine editors through the years. More than a few copyeditors, though. remained anonymous and I had no say at the changes made to my manuscript. I never got to pore over the final draft. Work-for-hire jobs. Favorite edit from Knack: Night Sky: I referred to the “near side of the Moon.” A mystery editor, who evidently didn’t know that there are—in the common parlance—a “near side” and “far side” of the Moon, changed “near side” to “near the side.” It’s not quite the same thing, is it?  

Boom Goes the Dynamints

(Originally published 1/29/15)

For many years, family excursions from the Bronx to Bangor, Pennsylvania—to visit my maternal grandparents—found all concerned on the serpentine Richmond Road, which zigzagged through sleepy, picturesque farmland with barns, silos full of corn, and—a personal favorite—algae-strewn ponds. This enticing visual was the last leg of our journey from uber-urban to serene rural, and I remember being especially captivated by one pond in particular. Sure, I liked the one with the white ducks in it and an abandoned yellow school bus colorfully filling in the backdrop. But the pond with the diving board alongside it had a special allure. I often wondered what it would be like to dive into that murky-looking drink with those ubiquitous dragonflies and mosquitoes hovering all around it in summertime. I wondered, too, how deep the thing was and how a person might extricate himself from its mysterious muck. My youthful flights of fancy imagined the pond’s floor as quicksand-like.

On this very same pastoral thoroughfare, at the intersection of the intriguingly named Ott’s Corner, was also a bona fide “general store”—the Richmond General Store to be precise—replete with a couple of gas pumps out front, a pay telephone, and a Coca-Cola soda cooler on its front porch. It was an ordinary dwelling—a house actually— that performed double duty as retail space. From our city perspective, this was Ike Godsey’s place on the big screen of life. My brothers and I perpetually pined to stop there, but my father—ever suffering from driver’s fatigue and the unquenchable desire to get to his destination—habitually ignored our pleas. 

Then one day on a return trip to the Bronx, Pa—for some inexplicable reason—relented. We at long last stopped at the general store and purchased—of all things—a couple of packs of Dynamints. They were Tic Tac candy rip-offs that were stocked at the time by the Richmond General Store. In the big picture, though, we got a whole lot more than a couple of packs of Dynamints. We entered the general store to jingling bells, which alerted the proprietor that potential customers were on the premises. From a back room, a very sweet, elderly woman in her nightgown emerged to transact with us and make change for our considerable purchase. Having at long last patronized a real country general store—one that we had had our eyes on for a long time—it was definitely a morning to remember.

Alas, this general store is no more. The last time we passed by it was a house—and just a house—again. The gas pumps, pay telephone, and soda cooler were mere memories. Locals, I suspect, no longer need a general store in the here and now. And Dynamints, too, haven’t stood the test of time, but I’m certainly glad we interrupted a kindly businesswoman’s morning coffee to buy a couple of packs of them all those years ago.

The Midwinter Recess Lives

(Originally published on 2/23/18)

While wandering around the neighborhood and snapping pictures this past week, I acknowledged the time of year. This inspired me to, later, check out the website of my high school alma mater. I wanted to see if the “Midwinter Recess” of my youth endured. For those of us who loathed the high school experience with a passion, this week off—even if it was technically past midwinter—was very welcome indeed. If this revered holiday did in fact endure, I suspected it would be the week—as always—of George Washington’s Birthday.

I am happy to report that the Midwinter Recess has stood the test of time, but not recognition of the Father of Our Country’s natal anniversary, which is now widely known as Presidents’ Day on calendars, in department store promotions, and—sadly—in the public consciousness. It’s the third Monday in February, a federal holiday, which theoretically honors Washington and his forty-plus predecessors, most of whom deserve no such fête.

Anyway, for those of us lucky enough to participate in this year’s Midwinter Recess in New York City, a couple of days therein felt more like late spring weather. The thermometer reached 78 degrees on February 21st, a record breaker not only for the day but for the entire month as well. It was no-jacket-required time, for sure, with many locals donning their summer shorts and footwear. Being overdressed while wearing a light windbreaker in February is downright unnatural. Sweating in lieu of shivering at this time of year is a strange feeling. I don’t much like the cold of winter anymore. April in February I can appreciate, but June in February just strikes an ill-sounding chord.

Plucked now from the recesses of my mind are recollections of past Midwinter Recesses, which were invariably cold and stark—but reassuringly so. It was a bona fide pleasure not to have to arise early on five consecutive frigid and still pretty dark winter morns. These were Mondays through Fridays where I didn't have to trudge the several blocks from my house to busy Broadway to await my school’s “special” bus, which shuttled students to the other side of the Bronx. Trust me, there was nothing special about those buses, which were leased from the city—driver and all—and typically packed like the proverbial sardines in a can. While smoking was prohibited on New York City transit even in the colorful, more libertine 1970s, the ban was rarely enforced on our twenty-minute voyages to and from high school. So what if a fair share of teens puffed away in the sardine cans, leaving those of us who didn’t partake in the poisonous pleasures with a serious second-hand smoke problem to contend with, not to mention beginning our school days short of breath and smelling like dirty chimneys—clothes, skin, and hair.

While I certainly wouldn’t want to relive those infamous bus rides, I wouldn’t mind replaying those Midwinter Recesses of yesterday. They were cold when it was supposed to be cold. And as long as school wasn’t in session, I kind of liked cold in those days.

(Photos from the personal collection of Nicholas Nigro)

Sunbeam Energy

(Originally published on 3/25/12)

Not too long ago, we entered a period known, in astronomical lingo, as “solar maximum.” That is, our lucky star is sending a surfeit of red-hot solar flares—some of them rather potent—into interplanetary space. On occasion, they reach the cozy confines of our planet’s upper atmosphere and the byproduct is a kaleidoscope of undulating reds, greens, yellows, and purples in the skies of aurora country near the Earth’s two magnetic poles. Of course, there are potential negative consequences to our very active sun’s behavior and all those cascading flares, but I’m thinking more about Sunbeam right now—Sunbeam Bread.

Recently, old family slides were made into pictures. Since slide shows were a thing of the past, these images had rarely been seen for decades. Our family slide taking occurred in the mid-1970s through the early 1980s—and then that was the end of that. In the slide mix were some visuals of visits to my maternal grandparents, who lived in a town called Bangor, on a street called Miller, in the Keystone state of Pennsylvania. For kids from the Bronx, visiting Bangor and Miller Street was akin to entering The Twilight Zone. It was another world altogether and—after Route 80 was completed—only an hour and a half drive due west from New York City.

I was taken with one particular, not-especially-clear slide from Bangor—on Miller Street during our bicentennial year—that featured a certain truck in the backdrop. Miller Street was a very steep hill, with my grandparents sandwiched somewhere in the middle of it, and on the block below them was a frequently parked Sunbeam Bread truck. My grandmother used the product all the time and, as I recall, Sunbeam was pretty tasty as bland sliced white breads went. But only now—all these years later—have I given this image its proper due.

Somebody on Miller Street obviously owned a Sunbeam Bread truck route, because the truck was usually there during the day. I suspect he delivered the bread in the wee hours of the morning to area stores, and was back on Miller Street by early afternoon. I believe Sunbeam Bread was available everywhere, including the Bronx, but I don’t ever remember having it at home, and so I always associate it with my grandmother, Bangor, Miller Street, and that mysterious blue and yellow truck parked on the hill. I’m happy to report, too, that Sunbeam Bread lives on in grocery stores everywhere.

(Photo from the personal collection of Nicholas Nigro)

Jimmy's Roller Skates

(Originally published on 1/25/13)

While editing for the umpteenth time a YA work of fiction of mine—and very possibly making it less readable than before—I momentarily contemplated adding a scene involving a roller-hockey game. Set in the Northwest Bronx neighborhood of Kingsbridge, 1978, I thought it might add further color to this youthful tale from what was—most definitely—a colorful snapshot in time.

Anyway, one thing led to another and I Googled “old roller skates,” or some such thing, and cast my eyes upon an image of an old pair of roller skates, the utilitarian metal kind that were, once upon a time, the rage. They sported leather straps that secured them to roller skaters’ feet. As I recall, the straps were sometimes spray-painted red, yellow, or black. The cheap paint jobs, though, invariably chipped away, revealing both the age of the roller skates and the amount of mileage on them. I would be remiss here if I didn't mention these vintage roller skates' keys—indispensable keys—that tightened adjustable clamps. Tightened them— flush at the soles of feet—to roller skaters’ footwear. They weren't one-size-fits-all, but more like one size fits several size shoes.

While these old-time roller skates were still around when I was a very young boy, more modern and stylish boot-like renditions were fast casting asunder these relics—keys and all—from the past. Nevertheless, when I spied a photo of these charming metallic dinosaurs with wheels, I remembered the only pair I ever owned. I didn’t do much roller skating in my youth. (While hockey on roller skates was popular on the area’s ample asphalt and concrete, it just wasn’t my thing.) Originally, my roller skates belonged to an older kid named Jimmy, who lived just around the block from me. When Jimmy outgrew them, his mother gave them to my mother to give to one of her boys, which turned out to be me. I was six or seven, and Jimmy might very well have been five, seven, or even ten years older than me, when the roller skates changed hands. Actually, I have no personal memories of Jimmy at all. I only recall that he was “mentally retarded,” which was the commonly used and accepted term back in the 1960s and 1970s. It wasn’t pejorative, although it sometimes became so depending on the circumstances. In fact, the term was then medically sanctioned, considered largely benign, and a vast improvement over prior callous monikers.

I remember I was hesitant to even put the roller skates on because they once belonged to Jimmy. I thought he had some sort of communicable disease, I guess. As I warily surveyed the raggedy, peeling yellow leather straps on this very old pair of roller skates, I figured I might enter the Twilight Zone, or some such thing, if I put them on—that I would become a “mentally retarded” person like Jimmy.

Funny, but while I recall Jimmy’s roller skates becoming my own for one brief shining moment in the late 1960s, I don’t—as I previously noted—ever remember encountering him, although I must have. I don't recall anybody saying anything negative about him to frighten me into avoiding his skates like the plague. That was just it—the long and short of it. Very few people back then spoke openly about people like Jimmy and what could be done to truly help the “mentally retarded.” We kids were thus left to fill in the blanks and imagine all sorts of things—like catching “mental retardation” from a pair of skates.

What's My Line?

(Originally published on 3/16/20, COVID-lockdown eve in New York City. Seems like only yesterday and a long time ago.)

What a difference a couple of weeks make. Just hours ago, I consumed my final meal—French toast with bacon—in a local diner. Along with every other eatery in New York City, the place will be shuttering its doors for dine-in customers for who knows how long. I’m told that the diner will remain open for take-out orders and—according to a waitress—throwback street service ala the old drive-in restaurants of the 1950s. Perhaps some of the employees will be on roller skates—or skateboards—tomorrow.

As of today, all city schools are closed—to at least April 20th. That’s a rather nice holiday. Were I of school age, I’d probably looking on the bright side of the coronavirus. But the key question is: How will this lost time be made up? Personally, I’d hate—as a trade-off—attending school in the summer.

On a whole host of fronts: Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I can’t help but feel for all the men and women impacted by these indefinite closures. So many people live from paycheck to paycheck. And I suspect a lot of these restaurants, bars, and other businesses—compelled to shut down—don’t have much of a reserve to sustain them through weeks and months of cashlessness. The rents alone are astronomical. 

What's my line? I was in a crowded marketplace this afternoon. Come on, folks: Let's knock off the hoarding!  It's no wonder I can't get "The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street" out of my mind.

One day soon: Things will start looking up again...

And that coffee cup will be filled and refilled.

Portents of things to come: I passed by this diner yesterday at the Sunday brunch hour. Just a smattering of patrons in a place typically crammed with customers.

When life gives you the coronavirus, get on the Wendy's drive-thru line. Some things transcend all.

Get it while you can.

And to think that I just got accustomed to the fist bump and now that's unacceptable.

What's a ten-mile walk before work...

This establishment beat the city fathers and mothers to the punch and closed days before the official ban. It's always good to remain optimistic that "things will get better."

Here's another eatery that took the crisis into its own hands. 

Times Square was pretty quiet this weekend. The Naked Cowboy was nowhere to be seen. Looking rather forlorn with few tourists to fleece, I did, however, spy this tall, creepy-looking guy dressed as Lady Liberty—whom I've seen before—aimlessly meandering No Man's Land. 

Everyone's gone to the moon...

It's the little people who will feel the pinch of the coming days and weeks.

All's quiet on West Street and One World Trade Center.

The street food vendors can still ply their trade. But what's the point when there are no customers?

A St. Patrick's Day without a parade and open bars. A couple of weeks ago, nobody could have imagined it.

Who was that masked man?

Keep calm and dance on! Why not?

(Photos from the personal collection of Nicholas Nigro)

Practicum of Nightmares

Oh, my, it’s 2023! Seems like only yesterday that it was 1983. Tom Seaver was reacquired by the New York Mets that year—returning to the town and the team where he belonged and should have played his entire career. Gearing up for the new baseball season that winter, it was exciting to imagine my boyhood hero on the mound at Shea Stadium again and finishing his illustrious career in a Mets’ uniform. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Seaver pitched for the 1983 Mets all right—and reasonably well for a thirty-eight-year-old coming off an injury-plagued year—and then was gone with the wind once more, courtesy of a front office faux pas of epic proportions. Wow, that was forty years ago and—may I just say—things ain’t what they used to be.

Tom Seaver has passed away. Shea Stadium is a memory. And baseball players are signing contracts worth hundreds of millions of dollars. Aaron Judge put his John Hancock on a nine-year deal with the Yankees worth $360 million. When he broke Roger Maris’s single season home run record last year, a fan caught the ball. Some people opined that this man should have given the ball to Judge. He would, after all, be showered with largesse for this unselfish act: a couple of signed bats and balls and a fifty-dollar gift certificate to Ikea for starters. But the fan in question was not about to pass up an even greater windfall. Reports are that the guy turned down $3 million dollars for the record-breaking orb, putting it up for auction instead. It sold for half that figure! Just sayin’: I would have jumped at the $3 million figure—taken the money and run, as it were. But let’s face it, fans pay a premium now to watch sports, whether at the ballpark or via cable TV and such. Why couldn’t Judge—in this instance—offer to buy the ball for a fair sum? I realize that it might be something of a hardship to get by on $357 million over the next nine years, but we all make sacrifices at one time or another.

In 1983, I was attending college. Speaking of which, the University of Southern California has recently cast asunder the word “field,” because of—drum roll please— “racist connotations.” The word will be replaced by “practicum.” Yes, hearing the phrase “field trip” could very well trigger a student and turn him or her or zir into a blithering bowl of Jell-O in search of a safe space.

Anyway, this is the world of 2023. Joe Biden has even joined the fraternity of presidents with classified documents in places they shouldn’t be, including alongside his Corvette in his locked garage in Wilmington, Delaware. You can’t make this stuff up. Seems to me that this is further evidence that our last two presidents were unfit for their jobs. It would be nice to think that we will get past this perpetual insanity on too many fronts to count. I wonder what the country and world will be like in 2063? Looking on the bright side, I won’t be around to find out.

Winter Finds

(Originally published 1/30/19)

Recently unearthed: a super-rare photograph that I didn’t know existed and don’t ever remember seeing. It was of the man who inspired a previous essay of mine entitled, “Scent of a Postman.” This particular piece—among several hundred and counting—has the peculiar distinction of receiving the largest number of porno-site spam hits from Russia, Ukraine, and Indonesia. But the joke’s on them, I suppose, because both “Scent of a Postman” and the wing beneath its wings, Louie the mailman, are G-rated. "Scent of a Postman" is merely the story of a cigar-chomping mail carrier, who regularly entered my family's hallway—courtesy of an unlocked front door—and placed our mail on the bottom step leading to the upstairs apartment. On a recurring basis, the scent of his omnipresent cigar informed one and all that—in Addams Family parlance—“the mail’s in.”

My father must have taken this picture. Stationed at different post offices with vastly different job responsibilities, he and Louie were nonetheless USPS comrades in arms at the time. Of course, I would have loved to have snapped a shot or two of Louie making his appointed rounds, but my youthful courage reservoir wasn't up to the task. After all, the man with the cigar could be a bit intimidating and probably wouldn't have taken kindly to some stupid kid snapping his picture.

"Let there be light...and the Number 1 train!" said He, not Louie, the mailman.

Another winter find of mine: a street food vendor peddling buttured corn on the cob...

and bakes potatoes...

But it's the fresh pizza—spelled correctly—that concerns me the most. 

I just love steamy street scenes...

I might just pen a future essay and headline it: "Steamy Street Scenes." I suspect that would give "Scent of a Postman" a run for its money.

What's the significance of seeing a mysterious number one in the darkness outside a window? I don't know for sure, but Dr. Seuss said, "You have to be odd to be number one."

That's the signpost up ahead. Your next stop...the Distraction Zone...

Speaking of distractions, sometimes they come unexpectedly and in the strangest places. For example, this past Sunday I became distracted by an elderly couple preparing to exit the subway car. Internally, I kept pleading with them to kick it up a notch. For they were taking entirely too long in gathering up their various accoutrements before departure. Sure enough, the male half got caught in the closing doors. Happily for him, he was released by the portal vise and able to slither away...but, I'd say, in the nick of time.

At this time of year, I suspect the pickings are more easily secured in a Stop & Shop parking lot than in the cold salty seas.

In my opinion, these seagulls have the right idea. They hang around both the seashore and a never-ending stream of tourists.

Thus, the birds kill two birds with one stone, as it were. They are simultaneously in close proximity to marine life and the scraps of buttured corn on the cob, bakes potato, and fresh pizza, too. 

It was cold outside this morning when I snapped this picture. But not nearly as cold as it will be tomorrow at the same time. Unfortunately, it is also the season when uber-cold spells spell the suspension of sanity. The climate-change skeptics come out of their holes and see their shadows in the frosty air and frozen terra firma. Next week, I see, it's going to be in the upper-fifties around here. Personally, I would just assume believe the vast majority of scientists and the cold hard facts than an alternative reality.

Beware of ice melter. It takes no prisoners...

This past weekend, I encountered a children's daycare or some such thing on a Manhattan side street. Its motto was "Baby, it's warm inside."

Life is a one-way street and we are not coming back.

Yet another rare photographic winter find. Once upon a time, I attended a Halloween party dressed as Honest Abe and consorted with a drunkard in a Richard Nixon mask. Simpler times...

(Photos from the personal collection of Nicholas Nigro)