Getting Some Zzzzz…

Imagine David Letterman still hosting a late-night talk show and doing a Top Ten list. Perhaps he’d have a Zohran Mamdani-inspired one—a “Top Ten Reasons for Not Supporting Zohran for Mayor.” As Dave is in a well-earned retirement, I’d like to offer—to get the ball rolling—a possible Number Ten: “I’ve never voted for a candidate whose first name began with ‘Z’ and I’m not about to start now.” The remaining nine reasons, of course, can be plucked from a cornucopia of absurd, unworkable, and sometimes unseemly statements and policy positions.

Zohran literally meant what he said in defunding the police. At least that’s what he said once upon a time. And the man also said this: “Prisons? What point do they serve really?” I see many hands being raised.

Free bus fare, Zohran proposes. Presently, I see the city bus fleet’s electronic signs flashing “Fare required.” How’s that public service announcement working out? If I read right, it’s estimated that fifty percent of riders don’t pay their fare. Recently, I witnessed the phenomenon when I rode buses to and from jury duty. At least half the ridership entered through the back door, I’d say, and got a free ride. I thought there was no such thing as that. No, sorry, that’s a free lunch. Zohran doesn’t believe in stopping petty crimes, let alone imprisoning violent felons, so why not tax motorists coming into Manhattan to make up the shortfall? A shortfall that would fast become a black hole if a Mayor Mamdami had his way.

In countless retail businesses throughout town, merchandise is under lock and key. Why? Because we somehow can’t stop shoplifting. It’s an unsolvable mystery bedeviling policymakers all in the here and now. Meanwhile, Zohran has said some nasty things about the NYPD in the past. As expected, he’s been backtracking—on that and so many other things—of late. Don’t be surprised if the Z-man claims that he said, “Globalize the empanada,” not “Globalize the intifada” next. For what it’s worth, Mr. Human Rights got married in his native Uganda in a gated compound, heavily guarded by masked security guards, with a cellphone jamming system in operation. If you have a moment, check out Uganda’s gay rights laws. You can’t make this stuff up. I know, I know, we live in nutty times, and our politics are off-the-charts insane from the rotted fish head on down.

In a year when New York City Mayor Eric Adams, a scandal-plagued doofus, was toast, we end up—essentially—with a race between an avowed socialist, Mamdami, and Cuomo, the former governor of New York, who resigned because oodles of women said he crossed a touchy-feely line—to put it nicely. Where, pray tell, was the A-Team competing for Adams’s job. In 1977, with Mayor Beame on the ropes, Ed Koch, Mario Cuomo, Bella Abzug, Herman Badillo, and Percy Sutton competed for the nomination. Some real heavyweights in that mix.

Sadly, though, there are no such luminaries in the political bullpen in the city that never sleeps. Beyond silly, pie-in-the-sky policy positions, Zohran’s résumé is as thin as a Lipton Cup-a-Soup. The government should seize the means of production from private entities, he says. The New York City government? Hello, anybody home? A small example of said bureaucracy in action. Until recently, property registration forms were mailed to all homeowners. The option to fill out the forms online is now available. Yes, the big city entered the Virtual Age—a couple of decades late, but beggars can’t be choosers. The fly in the ointment is that while you can fill out the form online, you must print it out and mail it to the powers-that-be. I can only imagine the efficiency of the government-run grocery stores in underserved neighborhoods. Underserved because the groceries there couldn’t overcome the shoplifting, robberies, and vandalism and turn even a small profit. But I’m sure the management and employees of these city shops will get a handle on all those things—no sweat—with no police assistance required.

There’s no point in belaboring any longer the ridiculousness of the guy most likely to be the next mayor of New York City. The former mayor, Bill de Blasio, endorsed Mamdami and sang his praises. It’s de Blasio’s best hope, I guess, of someone surpassing his considerable accomplishment of being the city’s worst mayor in modern times. My vote will go to Zohran’s main challenger of the three still standing at this moment: Cuomo, Adams, and sentimental favorite Curtis Sliwa. At this point, it’s Andrew Cuomo. I voted for him in the Democratic primary for the same reason. Life in 2025. It stinks on a whole host of levels, no more so than in the Big Apple.